Dear User: Minimizing IE and then restoring it does not, in fact, refresh the page. Next!

Dear User: Even if I set up your “bluetube” connection, Verizon doesn’t let you transmit data using it.

Dear user: Don’t be sorry you are unnecessarily taking out your frustrations on me. Just don’t do it! Sheesh!

Dear User: Manipulating 13K rows in Excel will lock it up. You have a new laptop with a fast processor. A new laptop won’t help.

Dear User: I’m so glad you aren’t “trying to be a bitch.” How’s about maybe trying NOT to be one instead?

Dear User: I’m so sorry to hear that the paper towel dispenser in the ladies’ room is broken. You do know I.T. can’t fix it, right?

Dear User: Remember when I told you 2 weeks ago your external hard drive “clicking” meant it was going bad? And you said that you repositioned it and it fixed it? It’s a hard drive. It’s not into Feng Shui. No, we will not request a rush on data recovery.

Dear User: Your caps lock is on and you don’t have a button to disable it? Really? What’s that in between the shift and tab keys on the left side of your keyboard?

Dear User: Yes, your DSL might work a little better if you put the filter on your phone line. Maybe next time you should wait until we are off the phone before you install the filter.

Dear User: You spilled an entire glass of wine on your laptop. That might be why it won’t turn on. Consider asking Santa for a sippy cup.

Dear User: The sand behind the screen on your BlackBerry might be why you are having trouble reading it. Perhaps the next time you take it to the beach you shouldn’t let it build the sand castle.

Dear User: You just e-mailed me to ask if our e-mail server is down. Yes. Yes it is.

Dear User: Your BlackBerry is not receiving e-mail because you have turned off the data connection.

Dear User: You dropped your laptop down HOW many flights of stairs? I don’t think that’s covered by the warranty.

Dear User: No, a virus on our servers will not cause your computer to not turn on. Especially since your computer is at home and not connected to the Internet.

Dear User: The printer you are trying to use needs service. You just watched me replace the toner in the printer by your desk. When I ask you to use the printer by your desk, don’t tell me it is out of toner.

Dear User: Yes you have to have an Internet connection to check your e-mail at home.

Dear User: Yes, that “big bar thingy” on the back of your laptop is the battery.

Dear User: Yes, you have to have the AC Adapter plugged into your laptop (and the wall) if you have taken the battery out for troubleshooting purposes.

Dear User: If I tell you something I did on your machine won’t fix your problem until you reboot, I really don’t want to hear how many windows you have open so you can’t reboot. And I especially don’t want to hear that what I did hasn’t fixed the issue yet.

Dear User: If I say I need you to close Outlook and you ask if I want you to close Outlook, the answer is yes.

Dear User: If you say you can’t open an archived attachment and I ask if it affects all attachments or just one, YES I want you to open another attachment!

Dear user: If your vendor has blacklisted your e-mail address, we can’t do jack nor shit about it.

Dear User: My vision is good, but I can’t see who is at their desk in a building 4 miles away from me.

Dear User: Really? Really?! I ask for the serial number on your monitor and you ask me what I mean by monitor?

Dear User: You really should be able to tell me if you enter one password or two to access your computer.

Dear User: The IT department cannot change the flat tire on your company Audi A3.

Dear User: If you tell me you “pound [your] Blackberry against a hard surface” to get it working, I am not going to rush a replacement.

Dear User: If I send you specific instructions for retrieving a forgotten password don’t e-mail back asking how to do it.

Dear User: If a Web site has a BIG “Forgot password” area and you e-mail us saying you forgot your password, I’m going to laugh at you behind your back.

Dear user: If I ask you to open Internet Explorer and you ask me how to do that, I’m going to laugh at you behind your back AND post the call on the Internet.

Dear User: I can pull up a usage report that proves you’re lying about a printer being out of service for 2 weeks.